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Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 11/23/2008
Posts: 20
Points: 60
Location: Camarillo
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When I was younger, I had problems with girls. Noone really liked me, and I was too pussy willow to stand up, cup my balls, and tell em how I felt. So, after I finally met the girl of "my dreams" I told myself I would never need another woman again. Well, for lack of a better phrase, god took a shit on me. My dog died, I dropped out of school, lost my job, and my girlfriend... She left me. I thought to myself, "If I can't do anything right, then why be here at all?" My friend found me in my car with a 12 gauge sitting in the passenger seat as I was finishing a letter to my folks. All said and done, I pulled through, and I must say that my life has gotten a hell of a lot better.
-Will
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Rank: Administration
Groups: Administration
Joined: 5/23/2008
Posts: 249
Points: -1,460
Location: Sunny California
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If It's Phucked Up, We Write About It! www.ThatsPhucked.com
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Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 3/29/2009
Posts: 23
Points: 69
Location: Saint John, NB
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I've spent a lot of my life being depressed. I did have a hard time while growing up. I was raped when I was 5 years old by my neighbor. I have a mother who never should have become a mother. Everyday she would tell me how worthless I am, how pathetic I am, tell me I'm nothing but a stupid cunt and a dumb bitch. She always favored my brother and made it known. I made As and Bs in school, graduated high school with high honors and it was still never good enough. My brother was into drugs, arrested multiple times, failed grades and he was still the good kid. The worst things I've ever done were get tattoos and piercings. Sure, I've experimented with drugs and alcohol but I never became addicted. My brother beat the living shit out of me everyday. I would go to school and get made fun of because I was always the ugly fat kid. Then I would go home and have my mother talk down to me, have her sit there and laugh while my brother beat the shit out of me and made fun of me. I spent everyday feeling like nothing. My friends had nothing to do with me, would go weeks without talking to me and always went out of their way to humiliate me. I live in a small town where you go to school with the same people and everybody knows everybody, so making new friends wasn't an option. Every boyfriend that I got cheated on me. Yes, I did use to cut myself, but not for attention. It honestly did take away from the emotional pain and it honestly felt great everytime I did it. Nobody ever knew about it because I never talked about it and never showed it off. But my parents did find out because my brother saw my arm one day and told them. When I was 16 I had to go to a mental health clinic to determine my level of depression. My mother told the woman that she hoped the next time I cut myself that I would push a little harder and cut a little deeper so she wouldn't have to deal with my bullshit. I honestly, to this day, have no idea what bullshit I've put my mother through. I was the good kid in every aspect. I made excellent grades, I cleaned every inch of the house and never talked back. I saw a therapist for about a year and she told me that on the test I had to take for depression that I scored a 99, which meant that out of 100 girls my age, only one felt worse than I did. I should have been put on meds but my parents wouldn't pay for it and my father kept trying to kick me out for being depressed. When I was raped I never told my parents because he had threatened me and I believed him. When I finally did tell them my father told me, "I have no sympathy for people." That absolutely killed me to hear because I love my father to death, but at the same time I know how he is and I know he was raised to believe that you don't show emotion and if you have a problem you deal with it yourself.
Now, I don't regret anything I've done in my life and I'm honestly glad for everything I've been through because it made me who I am. I love who I am. I'm very strong and independant. Sure, there's some things I'd like to change. I hate how I lack compassion for others and have no empathy whatsoever for people. I wish I were more caring but I'm not. The few people that I do let into my life and let get close to me I love and care for with everything that I have. That list of people is very, very few. Only about 7 people in the entire world. Regardless of all this, last year I felt like I lost everything. I quit my job to take care of my nephew for my brother, which I should have been doing for awhile but he fucked me over and as a result, I had to move back home which I hated. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me and it finally ended the night he chose to beat the shit out of me. He bruised my ribs, my right side and various other places. The last friend I had left who was my best friend stabbed me in the back. She hung out with my boyfriend hours after he beat the shit out of me and tried to get him to help out the girl he cheated on me with. She knew about both of those things and still chose him over me, even though she knew me for 6 years and knew him for about 6 months. In my town there are no jobs and I spent everyday working my ass off to find one, but couldn't. My mother kept telling me how pathetic I was, that I needed to get over my ex boyfriend, that I was desperate and just making me feel worse about moving back home. So one night, everything just came flooding back. Every memory and I felt like complete shit about myself. I had put on weight over the last year because I sunk deeper into my depression. So that night I had it all planned out. I was going to wait until my parents went to bed, go get a knife and just end it. I wrote my notes, cleaned my room, deleted anything off of my computer that would have made my parents think less of me and just waited. My mother usually goes to bed around midnight but that night she stayed up until 5:30 am. To get to the kitchen I need to walk through the living room, but she was there. So obviously, I couldn't do it.
It's things like that which make me believe in God. It wasn't my time to die so there was something stopping me from doing it. I had every intention to end it but I couldn't. I was so tired from crying that I finally passed out. I'm so glad that I didn't go through with it. My life is great now. I have an amazing boyfriend who I'm completely in love with. I hope he comes back from Iraq but I know that he will. I feel like I haven't seen him in forever but he's amazing in every aspect. I got accepted to University and I start in September. I have an amazing friend named Angel and that's exactly what she is. She's the love of my life and if I needed to, I would move Heaven and Hell for her because I know she'd do the same for me. Everything in my life is amazing. I have my days but then again, who doesn't? I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be and I love it. Right now I'm working on losing the weight that I put on last year. Shouldn't take me too long. It feels great to have gotten this all out.
Real Eyes Realize Real Lies
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Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 4/8/2009
Posts: 2
Points: 6
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Everyones life seems to always seems to be hitting the fan, my life is no exception. Homeless most of my life, and troubled constantly with many problems and occurances throughout. I have dwelled heavly on the thought of suicide and for some reason could never find myself to do it, the thought of it seems so promising and peaceful though. From having to take care of myself from a young age to dealing with the loss of 2 unborn children, I dont see why I bother going on sometimes. Now I am stuck in a hell-hole of a place which they love to call the U.S. Army. Joined thinking I could get away from my problems and set my life straight and be a part of something organized, well structured, and most of all amazing. I was wrong to think that however. It seems that wherever I go something loves to make problems for me, as if I had a goblin on my back.
So what stopped me from just jumping out of the 3rd story at my barracks? Or just easly going down the range at rifle practice and pulling the trigger to my head? Well...I must say that the only thing that seems to drive me in this world is to see what happens next, to experience the next "adventure" of my life. With all the problems in the world, I feel that mine are nothing to the scale of them, maybe have similar issues, but nothing so big. I mean, what is my life compared to the billions amongst the world? I am pretty sure that if I dropped dead of the face of the Earth right now, no one would really care. So whats the point of leaving everything behind when I already have nothing to leave...
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
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An old Irish saying: In the end, there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about:
either you get well or you will die.
When you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things to worry about:
either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!
SO WHY WORRY!?!
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
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Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 10/23/2008
Posts: 21
Points: -131
Location: Secret
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Philosophy entails that everyone at one point must cope with the banality of life. Most people do the same thing every day. I'm a student. I get up, get ready, go to class, do homework, go to bed, and repeat the process. Diversity and variety are what you make of it, but much is the same. You're born, you grow up, you work, you die. That's it. I think everyone considers an exit plan at least once in their life. Most even need a support system to assign some sort of value and purpose to their life: religion. Whole other topic.
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Rank: Administration
Groups: Administration
Joined: 5/23/2008
Posts: 249
Points: -1,460
Location: Sunny California
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Ortega wrote:Philosophy entails that everyone at one point must cope with the banality of life. Most people do the same thing every day. I'm a student. I get up, get ready, go to class, do homework, go to bed, and repeat the process. Diversity and variety are what you make of it, but much is the same. You're born, you grow up, you work, you die. That's it. I think everyone considers an exit plan at least once in their life. Most even need a support system to assign some sort of value and purpose to their life: religion. Whole other topic. Could try drinking...works for me...
If It's Phucked Up, We Write About It! www.ThatsPhucked.com
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