|
|
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/4/2009
Posts: 3
Points: -282
Location: Ooltewah TN
|
heres a funny one [i have nothing against gay guys]
a gay guy walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist he wants a tattoo of a vehicle on his penis. the tattooist asked what kind of vehicle? the guy says might as well go ahead and make it a 4x4 truck. the tattooist asks why? the gay guy says well im gonna be puttin through alot of shit and mud-holes
I refuse to tip toe through life, only to arrive safey at death.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 10/25/2008
Posts: 30
Points: 93
Location: Missing Russia
|
Poshboy wrote:
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Getting raped.
What's black and blue and dosen't want sex? A rape victim. lolwut
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/23/2008
Posts: 359
Points: 598
Location: Southern California
|
What did the faggot with AIDS get for Christmas?
A cold.
|
|
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/17/2009
Posts: 4
Points: 12
Location: Scotlaaand
|
here goes.
Bought myself a new roll on deodorant today. instructions said "take off top and push up bottom." I'm still i hospital but my farts smell nice.
A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room when she found a load of S and M mags and bondage gear. She asks her husband what to do. He says "Whatever you do don't phuckin spank him!"
Doctors have released Jett Travoltas cause of death. Apparently he had a saturday night fever which kept him from ah ah ah ah stayin alive stayin alive.
Zookeeper says to Paddy the Irishman,"The Gorilla is in heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider phucking it for $900?" Paddy replies,"I will on 3 conditions. 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family and friends must never know. 3rd i'll need a couple weeks to get the cash together".
I keep hearing about people in africa who live in mud huts and have to walk 5hours a day just to get water. Why don't they just move the huts closer to the water??
What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynocologist have in common? They both get close enough to smell the box but are not allowed to eat it.
Pete picks up a chick called mary in a bar and they start off back to his place. mary says she needs a piss so goes behind a bush and drops her panties. Feeling horny, pete puts has hand through the bush only to find something dangling between her legs. "Have you changed your sex!?" asks pete. "No, i've changed my mind, i'm havin a shit."
Whats black with 36 tits? The trash bag outside a cancer clinic.
Almost shit myself the other week. Was having a beer in an airport bar when a muslim ran up to the bar shouting,"Allah, allah, allah, allah, allah...al ave a coke and a bag of nuts please." Stuttering paki bastard.
Sorry if i offend but noone else seems to care. Anymore for anymore?
|
|
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 6/2/2008
Posts: 7
Points: 21
Location: Oregon
|
Guest wrote:Why don't shouldn't Mexicans be allowed to play UNO?
Because they always end up stealing all the green cards. HAHA omg hilarious
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
Annik wrote:Regretful Morning wrote:Women's rights What do you call 50 feminist activists and 50 women with battered wife syndrome? 100 women who don't know when to shut the fuck up. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink! Why do women have Two holes so close together? So you can pick them up and carry them off like a six pack! Why does it take more than One woman with P.M.T. to change a light bulb? Because it just FUCKING DOES, ALRIGHT!!  Sorry girls!
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
Guest wrote:1. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
- The Holocaust
2. What's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?
- I don't fuck the sandwich before I eat it
Whats the best part of fucking a dead baby? -Hearing it's pelvis crack!
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
Paddy was out walking in the woods one day and saw a Leprechaun squating behind a bush.
Quick as a flash Paddy dived on the wee fella and pinned him to the ground.
The Leprechaun agreed to give Paddy Three wishes if he would let him go free.
"ok" said Paddy, "Firstly I want 10 Million Euro's".
"Done" says the Leprechaun, "On the First minuite after midnight".
"Secondly, I want the most beautiful woman in the whole of Ireland in my bed" said Paddy.
"Done" says the Leprechaun, "On the Second minuite after midnight".
"My final wish is a wee bit embarassing, can I whisper it in your ear?" asks Paddy.
"Sure" says the Leprechaun, he listens to Paddy, laughs, then says "On the Third minuite after midnight" then vanishes.
Paddy goes home and waits impatiently for midnight.
One minuite after midnight 10 Million Euro's appear right in front of Paddy.
Paddy is overjoyed and runs into the bedroom.
Sure enough, Two minuites after midnight, Miss Ireland appears naked and horny in Paddy's bed.
Paddy is ecstatic and starts to get naked himself.
On the Third minuite after midnight, there is an almighty banging on paddy's front door.
Confused, Paddy opens the door and sees a huge burning cross, and a number of men in white sheets and hoods bearing nooses, Asking "Are you the fella who wants to be Hung like a Nigger?"
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/23/2008
Posts: 359
Points: 598
Location: Southern California
|
ulmul wrote:Guest wrote:1. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
- The Holocaust
2. What's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?
- I don't fuck the sandwich before I eat it
Whats the best part of fucking a dead baby? -Hearing it's pelvis crack! GROSS.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
Annik wrote:ulmul wrote:Guest wrote:1. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
- The Holocaust
2. What's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?
- I don't fuck the sandwich before I eat it
Whats the best part of fucking a dead baby? -Hearing it's pelvis crack! GROSS. I know...but guest started it! Think i'll stick with sexism.
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in women.
Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!!!
Seems most men are in favour of the muslim full face veil.
It solves the old age problem of where to wipe your dick after a blow job.
A man goes to the doctor’s
"Doctor I think I’ve caught that bird flu that’s going round"
"What makes you think that?"
"Well I’ve started wearing make-up, talking bollocks and I can’t park the car!"
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £300.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.
Why is the space between a women’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 2/16/2009
Posts: 15
Points: -52
Location: Reading
|
This joke's a bit long but... :d/ Three guys are on a hike in a remote part of Africa when suddenly a vicious group of angry tribesmen jump out of a bush and haul the men to their village. The three men are released in front of the tribe chief. The chief has a very sick sense of humor and decides to have some fun with the foreigners (<--- spelling?  ). He tells the men to go out into the wilderness, under the supervision of the tribespeople, and each find ten of the same kinds of fruit. If they succeed they would be set free... The first man comes back with 10 apples. The chief smugly orders the man to insert the apples, one after the other, up his ass without showing any emotion. He somehow manages to get through one before bursting into tears. He is killed. The second man comes back with 10 grapes. He is also intructed to shove them up his ass. He gets through nine before bursting into a fit of laughter. He is killed. The two men meet up in heaven. The first man says to the second man 'why did you laugh? You only had to do one more grape and you'd be set free!' The second man says 'i'm sorry but i couldn't help it! I saw the guy with the pineapples walking in!' LooL, told you it was long :d/
HMMoJ (Jack) x
|
|
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 2/24/2009
Posts: 2
Points: 6
Location: England
|
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip
|
|
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 2/24/2009
Posts: 2
Points: 6
Location: England
|
"Why is the space between a women’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there."
That is classic lol
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 3/2/2009
Posts: 37
Points: -77
Location: California
|
LOL Damn, most of these jokes just crack me up!!! 
I'm just a little curious....
|
|
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 3/2/2009
Posts: 8
Points: 24
Location: England...
|
bloody hell keep them comin theyre fuckin hilarious!
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
A man walks into a bar, carrying a cat under one arm, and an ostrich under the other.
He orders Three pints of Lager, at which point the cat gets quite upset and shouts "i'm not paying!i'm not paying!".
The man assures the cat that he doesn't have to pay and the cat goes quiet.
The Three finnish their drinks and the man re-orders.
"I'm not paying!i'm not paying" shouts the cat.
The man re-assures the cat he doesn't have to pay and again it goes quiet.
The barman looks at the cat, the ostrich and the man and asks "Did you loose a bet or something?"
"No" replies the man, "I got a wish!"
"Well...what did you wish for? asks the barman.
Mournfuly the man replies "I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 3/2/2009
Posts: 37
Points: -77
Location: California
|
LordDamien666 wrote:how do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed?
- put velcro on the ceiling..
How do you get him down?
- get the mexican kids from down the street and tell them it's a pinata.
An oldie but goodie. LMAO DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! =] omg that was super funny for some reason...
I'm just a little curious....
|
|
Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 2/22/2009
Posts: 26
Points: 78
Location: New York
|
Here's a joke that I heard a LOOONG time ago from a friend. I wrote it down though, still remember it exactly how he told me. A plane crashes over the amazon, and there are three men aboard who jump with parachutes to safety, whilst they are trying to find there way to civilization, they come across a bunch of Native cannibal Amazonian tribesmen. They are then taken prisoner and brought before their chief, the Chief commands all of them to bring him ten fruits from the rain forest. The first man comes back with ten big bright red juicy apples, the chief then instructs the man to shove those apples up his rectum. The man does as such, or else he'll be killed. If he shoves all those fruit up his ass, the Savages will take him to a near by town where he will be flown back to his Native land. If he fails he will be slaughtered and eaten. So, the first apple, Ahhh, ahhh, and up it goes, the man's sphincters burst open and blood gushes profusely , the man faints, and shits out the apple with blood all over it, he is killed and made into a delicious barbarian's dinner. The Second man, cleverly see's what had happened to the first man. Noticing his mistake he picks 10 small itsy bitsy berries. As the 2nd man is shoving the berries up his ass, One, Two, Three, Four, Five Six, Seven, Eight, Nine,....He burst into laughter, shits out all the berries, and is immediately killed. So the two men meet up in Heaven, the 1st man asked the 2nd man, "Why'd you burst into laughter, you were so damn close to winning? The 2nd man replied, " I saw the 3rd guy walking back towards the tribe carrying 10 watermelons". I wrote this joke By the way... 
I love DPMy favorite Sody Pop with my favorite sex position. what's yours?
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 1/26/2009
Posts: 94
Points: -106
Location: N.W. England
|
Two old age pensioners are having a 69.
After 5 minutes he says "Sorry love the smell’s too bad down there - I can’t carry on."
"That’ll be my athritis" she says.
"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in thier fanny before."
No she says "It’s in my arms and hands... and I can’t wipe my arse."
A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. The guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster cock.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his cock into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere.
Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse.
Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a piss.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
"No, I’m afraid I don’t,"
"I’m going to shove it up your arse !"
"Jesus, that’s a relief!" said the guy taking a piss "I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
Slowly, One by One, the Pixies steal my sanity.
|
|
|
Guest |
