Some of our readers have tried, others thought about it. Talk about it here first so you're not the next.

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If It's Phucked Up, We Write About It!
www.ThatsPhucked.com

I started bawling, it was one of the last straws. Getting threatening calls from an anonymous person who got my phone number from an ex boyfriend. Just one thing on top of another on top of another. My life was falling to pieces and i crawled in bed, blasting opeth and shaking so bad i could barely catch my breath. i finally decided that i would get up in the morning, pick up the beretta and blow myself away. i would clean the house, and just give up. i had thought about suicide before, but never planned it. i laid there and planned it and finally decided it was going to happen. i dont know what possessed me to read and write it on thats phucked, but i did, and then went to get in the shower, i cried so hard in the shower that it ended up being about 20 minutes longer than it should have taken. i ran to the car and drove to stoner/drunk girls, i laughed and said hi to skinny tat girl and then rolled out once more to needles, i ran into my friend Laiho ( as in alexi, because we're both in love with him ) and appologized, i admitted my plans stumbly but by this time i had rattled off my life story pathetically to a concerned annik ( thanks for that ) and she saved me by giving me hope for a job, which right now, seems to be the main thing dragging me down, a lack of support systems. i ended up at my final destination, metal heads house, i banged politely on his window and then went to the door to knock lightly again, who answers the door but fucking mini metal, who i was totally into for a while but was denied by the blackness and metal head told me that it wouldnt work - that i couldnt do it and that he wouldnt go for it, i end up laughing and joking the thought of suicide away with new best friends, mini metal and ZECHIA.



And a hook up story will come soon, because mini metal is laying in my bed as i type, g2g guys!

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yeah thank god annik was there

Let's move this to your thread.

one of these days ill post my experience on this but for now if you want to know just pm me ...

OK so here goes .. Dont know why I am posting this but Oh well .... I dont know where to begin with this so bare with me. My entire life I have lived with monsters not ones you find in the closet but real ones that pass by you everyday seeming like nice people till you are forced into thier presence like a cancous sore that never goes away. Always told I was lazy and fat and ugly and no good and basically worthless. I endured, many beatings, many rapes in my life. You know to this day I have never added them up I think out fear of the number. but that is getting ahead of the whole scheme. The many times hearing how much I was a tramp or whore because I had no clear defination of what I was or what I even liked. MY personality had taken on a try it and see defiance to it. At 13 I realised that I didnt look like either of my parents. I started asking questions. When my mother grabbing me by the hair throwing me against the wall screamed at me she wished I would find my real father. That was how I found out I wasnt my father's child. Now the fact that by this time I had survived a sibling dying and a murder of one of my favorite aunts. To find out that you really dont belong is more the earth shattering. My parents divorced 6 months later not before my mom convinced my dad i was evil incarnate and had him beat me for screaming when she went to spank me. My younger brother and i ended up with my mother and her new boyfriend ( later her husband and I still get accused of wanting to sleep with.. Ugh ... man that is some mental crap there ). I had good spots but they were so few and far in between they made me feel like they were daydreams. Things you knew existed but could never hold on to. When I met and married the first time my mother took off with my brother to italy. I was never to ehar from them in for 5 years.
So The First man i fell in love with beat me constantly not knowing any better I thought it normal or my fault till I caught him cheating in my own house. I had a baby by then and so me and the baby took off and got out. Moved with family and still had issues with several more rapes. After not being able to take any more I moved in with another boyfriend who was years older than me. He insisted on some odds practices. Which believe it or not I actually came out so far with a very freakish but healthy sexual appetite. But as things progressed I would say no and no was not taken moving from that situation I found a place and moved with roommates. I was introduced to my second babies daddy as one of thier brothers. So after a 8 month period he kept asking me to have his child. Yeah boy was i naive as you get. So as things progressed 6 months later I got pregnant. My youngest child at this point was showing strange behavior overtly aggressive for lack of a better word demonic. I had lost so many babysitters that holding a job was almost impossible. But i kept going. Soon after finding out I was pregnant my soon to be came in one day and slammed me against the wall and told me I needed to get rid of my son. I screamed and kicked him he grabbed my throat and told me to shut up or he would shut it for me. Grunting he ran back out the door I grabbed the little guy and ran yet again. I know how stupid can you be but honestly I didnt know it had been a year and he had never touched me and was always patient I was like what the hell. So scared I went to his sisters house terrified and learned he had left town. I got a ride home to find all rent money was stolen as well. Left broke and pregnant I moved in with a friend. Hoping to be able to make it. Still not even over 21 and a baby on the way I woke up one morning and coughed only to watch blood run down my legs gushing I lived across the street from the hospital so i walked over there and as I walked in the doors I passed out .. Dont know how long I awoke in the arms of a huge security gaurd and screamed scared to death. He put me on a cot and the nurse came up took info and I went through the whole thing and was told to go home and finish aborting the baby. That night i cried for so long ... The next morning at sun rise I looked up and said out loud God you have a chioce but i cant stop too much depends on it if you want my baby take him but if you dont I really do want him. well he was born dead literally 6 months later and after being hooked up to life support for 2 hours on the way to ICU after being born he started breathing. I actually met his nurse and worked with her later she told me the story was a complete miracle but one they still talked about at the hospital. A few months before a common friend ( guy) of ours the friend i lived with ( yes this one was female LOL at least that was better ) ask if he could date me. I laughed my ass off in his face literally when he asked. But after several dates .. we moved things along he knew I was pregnant but since i was still not showing he didnt have a problem with it. A month before my baby was born he remodeled a house for us to move into. WE lived and worked for 2 years but the only thing was he would come in and out. After 9 months he started bringing drugs in the house in mass quantities. We had our frist arguement then because of the kids. He said he would get rid of it. And he did two weeks later. But 4 months later more showed up at this point I told him if he did it again I would have to leave. 11 months later I had a house full of drugs MY god you almost couldnt move. I bought my ticket for 30 days later and got out again. I couldnt risk my kids he just laughed when i told him 30 days clean up or I leave. He helped me get on the bus. Nice guy. So i moved back home via a shelter. Got a place to live and was good for about 9 months... Was raped and moved close to my grandmother. Was working and raising the boys and a few months in the place my grandmother set me up on a blind date. ( OK at this point sex I wasnt having was really an issue ) So she tried to get me a sure thing I guess... Anyway This guy I met and we go to dinner and we end up kissing and drinking back at his sisters. I was staying there that night and well since he was drinking.. It was all good ( and yeah I got laid good ) So The next morning go home no big deal .. till that night my phone rings and he had gotten my number from his sister. We set up a date to go to the movies ..we only went to the movies he brought me home and left.. ( yeah i was disappointed but oh well ) this pattern continued for several months He lived in a trailer which was on his families property a huge place. I ended up moving in with him. We were together for 5 years. After a while my oldest was getting worse. Agression to no end off the wall behavior as well as just strange odd stuff. Many doctors and misdiagnosis I went through later he was diagnosised as Psychophanic Psychotic with aggressive tendacies. ( He is now 19 life expectance for these types is only 25 average I hope I beat the odds with him time will tell ) After 5 years of good sex and ok times... I realised he didnt love me like he should I was only convienent for him. So we amicable seperated. We are still friends today. He did give me time to find myself though for that I will always be greatful. I got my own place was doing my own thing had gone back to school and was doing pretty good till a year and half later ( yes for 6 months my exand I were Friends with benefits it worked ) This guy at work kept bothering me day in and day out to go out. I kept saying no. He was cute but well a bit of a dangerous type. Anyways after 6 more months of no ... I finally broke and said yes .. ( thinking I could be a bad date and get rid of him... ) so a week later on saturday we met and I drove out to a place where i did a 12 mile hike in some rather Illegal territory ( across live railroad tracks 32 stories in the air for a quarter of a mile ..Yes you can see the water through the cracks and hear the creaks as you walk well ok you had to run but its good for you ) So we do all this he keeps up and when we are done He goes OMG that was so much fun ( yeah i was deflated then ) I was like ok what next ( took 3 hours you had to climb mountains and waterfalls as well as go through several abandon dark tunnels yeah i tried to get him to hate me ) Well he goes Putt putt golf .. I was like ok .. so after two round of me wiping the floor with him. He gave up on that. And goes ok for dinner what do you want to do. I was like I dunno. So he goes I will drive and he goes to this place and goes in and grabs a bag and comes out ( mexican resturant and it was so good ) HE goes ok where do you live and i told him. We go back there and he says stay in the car and i do he goes in and not knowing where anything was he comes back out about 315 minutes later and opens the door and covers my eyes saying dont peek. I shrug. I go in he takes his hands off and there in the middle of the floor is a blanket with food and candles and wine all spread out. I just had to busted out laughing and ask So how is the date so far and he grinned Really good but I was hoping it wasnt over. Anyway the next morning we awoke and ( my kids were with my mom for the first time in thier life for the summer ) we never seperated again. Till he became a truck driver. BUt 6 months later I realised I was pregnant. The pill they had changed me to 6 months before meeting him didnt work... and guess how I found out? Anyway it was all good he asked me to marry him and I did .. but before I did I found out he had been sleeping with his ex wife. He denied it and i wanted to believe him I know stupid I was . But 6 years later and a lot of hell like i could never describe I left him too to move with my mother only to be told I was worthless and a slut and a whore and I was of no consequence to anyone My middle son was asked to choose between me or my parents whom he had grown to love. It broke him .. My oldest son was in the hospital which was a god send and my youngest was exhibiting a strange behavior. Not like my oldest but quite the opposite like he was not able to conceptalize anything beyond simple ideas. Well Being homeless yet again I called a good friend ( a guy but no strings or relationship attached ) He and his family offered to help me but before all this took place i set a date to die. I am going to finish raising my kids and then I will commit suicide. I have 9 years till the youngest is 18. Each day its like a ticking bomb in my head I have someone but I am still married to the asshole who beat my kids and made hell on earth for me. He owes me money on a car he wrecked and half of my school loans all totaling over 50k at least probably more. But the guy I am with is now a marine in the service I love him but I dont want to watch this go bad too ... I want it to stay good .. so as I say the clock tick off and the years melt away little by little I just cant do it anymore My oldest has made it to adulthood My middle som looks like adam sandler in teenage form and my youngest is autistic. How much can one person take in life ? So i let the clock wind down till I can close my eyes and sleep a final time ... I dunno why i put all this here this is really just a touch of several incidents as i sit thinking i could name numerous but this wont take that many words .. maybe write a book about it I do have to do something in 9 years ... So give it a shot a penny for you thoughts a quarter if they are dirty .. a dollar if I havent tried it.. Yes i still have a huge sense of humour Ihave to but I am also very tired and feel so beaten .. I just want rest and in 9 years I know i will have it

The therapy I go to has an OPTIONAL payment of one dollar.

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so now i´m logged in as profile0 - feel free to kick and diss me

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W

This really makes me wonder.
I'm young, not childishly young, but young.
I've been in and out of therapy since 6th grade, so about 13, I've been diagnosed with a number of things, never believed a single one, and refused the medication. I've never tried to commit suicide, even though I once ODed on enough Lexapro to kill me, but that is another story. It makes me wonder though, what is it in us human beings that makes it so that we can not physically or mentally cope with one another, Suicide and suicidal thoughts are a lot more common then some people seem to think. But yeah, I just think that reading a lot of these has made me wonder, why if I've felt that the world is so horrid and wretched, why I never had the courage to even entertain the idea of suicide.

Yeah, I think it's crossed everyone's mind from time to time. Personally, a friend of mine told me something once that really changed my perspective. I told him my troubles and my thoughts of snuffing it, and he thought about it. I really expected him to be on my side, because I knew he had the same problems. However, he looked my dead on and said, "Dude, suicide is like looking at God and saying 'you cant fire me, I quit.'" Since then, I carry on out of sheer spite. Besides, if I'm going down, I'm bringing the ship with me.